My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
