she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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