If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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