i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
