You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
