saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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