guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
