Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she told me i tasted like america
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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