Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is it because I queefed?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize