The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
