God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize