I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
