so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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