He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
