You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
