I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
