Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
