Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
