I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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