You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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