Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
