You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
