so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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