is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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