We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
bring money and cleavage
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
