Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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