what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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