I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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