Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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