Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
