worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.