what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.