Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.