Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
