Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
