I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
