I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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