I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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