she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
