so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
