Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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