I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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