The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
