Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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