Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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