i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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