I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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