just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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