flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
