I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
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he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
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Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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