saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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