How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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