Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize