Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
