you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
