My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
