Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I supernannyed him into submission
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
