drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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