So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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